TO HELP TELL THOSE STORIES.
THIS CITY IS OUR CITY AND
WELCOME BACK TO THIS SPECIAL
HOLIDAY EDITION OF THE
FACTOR UNCENSORED. THE
PEOPLE TO ENJOY,
PARTICULARLY BECAUSE THEY
MAY BE HARBORING UNRESOLVED
TRAUMA OR RESENTMENT TOWARDS
SOME FAMILY MEMBERS. BUT HOW
DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO LET IT
GO AND TO FORGIVE? JOINING
US TO TALK ABOUT IT TONIGHT
ON THIS CHRISTMAS EVENING IS
LICENSED PROFESSIONAL
COUNSELOR DONNETTA SHELBY.
GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE ON THE
FACTOR UNCENSORED. AND MERRY
CHRISTMAS TO YOU. MERRY
CHRISTMAS TO YOU. GLAD TO BE
HERE. NOW, IF YOU HAVE
FAMILY MEMBERS OR FRIENDS
WHO MAY BE HARBORING
RESENTMENT TOWARDS ONE
ANOTHER, HOW DO YOU EVEN
DEAL WITH THAT? DO YOU WANT
TO EVEN GET YOURSELF
INVOLVED AND IN THE MIDDLE
OF THAT, BECAUSE IT CAN
BECOME UGLY? YES IT CAN. SO
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT IS SO
IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT
DURING THE HOLIDAYS, AND ONE
OF THE THINGS I WORK WITH MY
CLIENTS ON, IS DECIDING WHAT
FORGIVENESS MEANS FOR YOU.
BECAUSE A LOT OF TIMES WE
HAVE THESE DIFFERENT
DEFINITIONS OF WHAT
FORGIVENESS MEANS, AND THAT
CAN PREVENT US FROM BEING
ABLE TO ACTUALLY PUT FORTH
THE ACTION OF FORGIVENESS.
AND SO WE WANT TO MAKE SURE
THAT WE ARE ONE LOOKING AT
WHAT FORGIVENESS MEANS TO
US, BUT TWO, ALSO DECIDING
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
BECAUSE FORGIVENESS DOES NOT
ALWAYS MEAN RECONCILIATION.
WE CAN FORGIVE OUR FAMILY
MEMBERS FOR OUR PAST HURT OR
WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO US, BUT
THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE TO
MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP WITH
THEM. WOW WOW. SO FOR THOSE
WHO SAY OR FEEL LIKE THEY
HAVE TO MAINTAIN THAT
RELATIONSHIP, YOU'RE SAYING
THEY DON'T. ALL THEY HAVE TO
DO IS OR THEIR OPTION IS TO
FORGIVE AND MOVE ON? YES,
BUT WHAT IF THE OTHER PERSON
WANTS RECONCILIATION? SO WE
TALK A LOT IN COUNSELING
ABOUT THESE THINGS CALLED
BOUNDARIES AND WHAT THAT IS,
IS YES, IT. AND AGAIN, WHEN
YOU DO THAT WE'RE BOXING
OURSELVES IN. I'M SAYING
WHAT I WILL ALLOW IN MY
LIFE, I'M SAYING WHAT I AM
GOING TO PUT FORTH INTO THE
UNIVERSE AND HOW I'M GOING
TO ENGAGE IN RELATIONSHIPS.
NOW, A FAMILY MEMBER COULD
WANT TO RECONCILE WITH YOU,
BUT THAT DOES NOT
NECESSARILY MEAN THAT YOU
ARE OBLIGATED TO DO SO. AND
AROUND THE HOLIDAY SEASON,
THERE'S ALREADY SO MANY
OBLIGATIONS THAT WE HAVE TO
DEAL WITH TIME, OBLIGATIONS
WHERE WE'RE GIVING PEOPLE
HOW WE'RE SHOWING UP TO
PEOPLE'S FAMILIES, HOUSES
AND THINGS LIKE THAT. ONE OF
THE THINGS THAT CAN REALLY
RELINQUISH THAT STRESS FROM
YOU AND ALSO GIVE YOU THE
EMPOWERMENT, IS FOR YOU TO
FEEL LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE AS
TO WHETHER I'M GOING TO GO
INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH
THIS PERSON OR NOT, WHETHER
I'M GOING TO GOING TO
CONTINUE TO ENGAGE WITH THIS
PERSON AND THAT FAMILY
MEMBER OR NOT. NOW, I'M NOT
SAYING WE JUST CUTTING
EVERYBODY OFF BECAUSE FAMILY
IS IMPORTANT, BUT ESPECIALLY
AROUND THE HOLIDAYS AND
LONELINESS DURING THIS
SEASON CAN LEAD TO A LOT OF
DEPRESSION. BUT WHAT WE DO
WANT TO MAKE SURE IS WE ARE
HAVING THOSE BOUNDARIES FOR
HOW WE'RE GOING TO ENGAGE
WITH THE FAMILY, MAKING SURE
THAT WE CREATE A SAFE SPACE
BECAUSE THAT'S A BIG PART OF
FORGIVENESS. NOW, IF YOU
HAVE THE BOUNDARIES IN
PLACE, BUT YOU ALSO DO YOU
LEAD THE LINE OF COMMUNITY,
THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION
OPEN JUST IN CASE THEY HAVE
TO CALL, JUST IN CASE THEY
HAVE TO CALL IF THAT IS
WHAT'S SAFE FOR YOU. BECAUSE
A LOT OF FORGIVENESS IS ALSO
SAYING, I KNOW THAT THIS
PERSON HURT ME AND
OFTENTIMES WE FEEL LIKE IF
WE FORGIVE THIS PERSON, WE
ARE SETTING OURSELVES UP TO
BE HURT AGAIN. SO YOU CAN
DECIDE. I DON'T WANT TO
ENGAGE WITH THIS PERSON. I'M
NOT GOING TO LEAVE THAT OPEN
FOR COMMUNICATION. OR YOU
CAN DECIDE, I LOVE THIS
PERSON AND I'M GOING TO
LIMIT MY INTERACTIONS OR HOW
I CULTIVATE THE RELATIONSHIP
WITH THEM. BUT IF THEY ARE
READY TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY
FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE OR IF
THEY'RE READY TO START A NEW
LEAF, THEN I'M GOING TO
LEAVE THAT OPEN. DEPENDS ON
YOUR SPIRIT. ARE YOU IN THE
SPIRIT OF LETTING GO AND
HAVING ALL LINES OPEN OR ARE
YOU IN THE SPIRIT OF SELF
PEACE AND JUST WANTING TO
RELINQUISH THE RELATIONSHIP?
NOW? WHAT IF YOU GET
PRESSURE FROM OTHER FAMILY
MEMBERS WANTING TO BRING YOU
TWO TOGETHER AND THIS IS
JUST SOMETHING YOU DON'T
WANT, BUT THEY WANT YOU TO
DO IT LIKE A COME TO JESUS
MEETING. YEAH, YES. SO WHEN
YOU GET THAT PRESSURE, IT'S
IMPORTANT TO ONE RECOGNIZE
THAT YOUR FAMILY ONLY WANTS
THIS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO
TIMES WE ARE URGED OR FEEL
OBLIGATED TO KEEP THE PEACE
WITH OUR FAMILY MEMBERS, NO
MATTER WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO
US, BECAUSE THEIR FAMILY,
THEIR BLOOD. BUT BUT IT'S
IMPORTANT FOR US TO ALSO
RECOGNIZE THAT WE CANNOT
DICTATE HOW OTHER PEOPLE
CHOOSE TO GO ABOUT THE PATH
OF FORGIVENESS. WE CANNOT
DICTATE WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE
FOR THEM OR WHAT THAT LOOKS
LIKE FOR THE OTHER PERSON.
AND SO IF YOU FEEL PRESSURED
TO REALLY MAKE YOUR FAMILY
MEMBERS HAPPY OR MAKE THEM
MORE COMFORTABLE, WE WANT TO
JUST SAY, HEY, YOU KNOW, I
UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ONLY
WANT FAMILY PEACE. I
UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT US
ALL TO BE TOGETHER. THAT MAY
NOT WORK FOR ME. I WILL TRY
AND IF NOT, THEN I HOPE THAT
WE CAN ALL STILL LOVE EACH
OTHER AND KEEP OUR
BOUNDARIES SO OPERATIVE.
WORD BOUNDARIES. THERE YOU
GO. BOUNDARIES. I LIKE THAT